{"id":13424,"date":"2023-08-22T02:25:29","date_gmt":"2023-08-22T02:25:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/maryamverse.com\/?p=13424"},"modified":"2026-08-24T17:37:26","modified_gmt":"2026-08-24T17:37:26","slug":"cause-of-death","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/cause-of-death\/","title":{"rendered":"Cause of Death"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

What do you do before it’s over?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

War is what happens when language fails , i am at war with God.
\nPain, You made me a disbeliever<\/em><\/strong>!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have been looking long enough into the abyss, it stopped looking back –  huh it gave up<\/em><\/strong>. There comes a time when the trees starts talking to you about their secrets, when the crows are scared of you, when a dog changes path before you, because they know I poison everything I touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s night time here, I’m looking outside my window, sitting on the corner of bed, avoiding the comfortable bedding because the ease it provides make me sick.  I am scared of this darkness, outside. If i look closely into it, it looks back in me. That’s horrifying. Have you ever been chased by your own darkness. What happens if it catches up. Do i die? Maybe yes but i don’t believe in Maybes anymore. I need utter assurance, tell me what should I do to end this life? I don’t wanna kill<\/em><\/strong> myself, but I also want to stop<\/strong> living<\/strong><\/em>, do you see what I am at<\/em><\/strong>? Do you realize how sick this sounds, because honestly I don’t – I can’t tell the difference anymore, my reality has been shattered a million times before my eyes. I no more understand what’s normal. But I am serious here, I have to be sure, I need to know what can kill me? what is required to qualify for a death certificate?<\/strong><\/em> can i write down my own cause of death?<\/strong><\/em> Let me think about what it was. okay i remember now, Can i name a million small things as the cause of my death? it’s too much, i know, will they give me favour and write down, died: two years ago?<\/strong><\/span><\/em> because I am gone, long ago, but nobody has ever noticed. The person you see isn’t me, I have no identity, I am fraction of your subconscious mind. I am not real<\/strong><\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They say; Pain is the gateway<\/strong><\/em>, I have crossed that boundary, I am plunged into the abyss<\/strong><\/em>. I have been so familiar with the touch of sadness in my life, I get scared of happiness, I get terrified of excitement. What if I am the problem<\/strong><\/em>? I am losing control, drowning in the depth of the ocean. It feels heavy, The weather is not effecting today as it had before, Everything<\/strong><\/em> has stopped working, Nothing can make this pain go<\/strong> away<\/strong><\/em>, the pain that I hold so tight. I can’t let it go now, because its loo late. Its not a part of me; Its all me<\/strong><\/em>, If it disappears I would be nothing. Have you ever seen beyond nothingness<\/strong><\/em>? what happens when you kill yourself to reach at the end of  the tunnel and the tunnel never ends<\/strong><\/em>, there is no hope for me. Some people are not born in this world, they are abandoned<\/strong><\/em> , abandoned by God, by family, by friends, by every living creature on this earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not me, I have never been me. Its been so long yet nobody has eve noticed me gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God is witnessing everything but He doesn’t offer<\/strong><\/em> help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have nowhere to go i can go anywhere!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What do you do before it’s over? War is what happens when language fails , i am at war with God. Pain, You made me a disbeliever! I have been looking long enough into the abyss, it stopped looking back –  huh it gave up. There comes a time when the trees starts talking to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13461,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13424","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13424","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13424"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13424\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13489,"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13424\/revisions\/13489"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13461"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13424"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13424"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/srcdemolink.site\/marry_bck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13424"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}