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What do you do before it’s over?

War is what happens when language fails , i am at war with God.
Pain, You made me a disbeliever!

I have been looking long enough into the abyss, it stopped looking back –  huh it gave up. There comes a time when the trees starts talking to you about their secrets, when the crows are scared of you, when a dog changes path before you, because they know I poison everything I touch.

It’s night time here, I’m looking outside my window, sitting on the corner of bed, avoiding the comfortable bedding because the ease it provides make me sick.  I am scared of this darkness, outside. If i look closely into it, it looks back in me. That’s horrifying. Have you ever been chased by your own darkness. What happens if it catches up. Do i die? Maybe yes but i don’t believe in Maybes anymore. I need utter assurance, tell me what should I do to end this life? I don’t wanna kill myself, but I also want to stop living, do you see what I am at? Do you realize how sick this sounds, because honestly I don’t – I can’t tell the difference anymore, my reality has been shattered a million times before my eyes. I no more understand what’s normal. But I am serious here, I have to be sure, I need to know what can kill me? what is required to qualify for a death certificate? can i write down my own cause of death? Let me think about what it was. okay i remember now, Can i name a million small things as the cause of my death? it’s too much, i know, will they give me favour and write down, died: two years ago? because I am gone, long ago, but nobody has ever noticed. The person you see isn’t me, I have no identity, I am fraction of your subconscious mind. I am not real.

They say; Pain is the gateway, I have crossed that boundary, I am plunged into the abyss. I have been so familiar with the touch of sadness in my life, I get scared of happiness, I get terrified of excitement. What if I am the problem? I am losing control, drowning in the depth of the ocean. It feels heavy, The weather is not effecting today as it had before, Everything has stopped working, Nothing can make this pain go away, the pain that I hold so tight. I can’t let it go now, because its loo late. Its not a part of me; Its all me, If it disappears I would be nothing. Have you ever seen beyond nothingness? what happens when you kill yourself to reach at the end of  the tunnel and the tunnel never ends, there is no hope for me. Some people are not born in this world, they are abandoned , abandoned by God, by family, by friends, by every living creature on this earth.

I am not me, I have never been me. Its been so long yet nobody has eve noticed me gone.

God is witnessing everything but He doesn’t offer help.

I have nowhere to go i can go anywhere!

Now there’s only one thing I can do,
Fight until the end like I promised to,
Wishing there was something left to lose!

This could be the day I die for you.. [Lyrics]

When you learn something painfully, a part of you has to die.

If something doesn’t grow, it rots. Specially when you have means you have to decide not to be the absolute worst. Who showed you what is the worst? People who you are surrounded by. Look round and find answers. Don’t become what they are!

Your greatest test will be how you handle people who mishandled you. I beg you to win that war, be gracious when this time comes, manifest your higher self, vibrate on a different frequency, pick you battles wisely & be kind – Be so damn kind that the universe gets sick and tired of responding back to your goodness and there comes a time where angles take notes from your excellence of affair because my little human being you are divine. God made you with his own bare hands and he wants you to do something splendid that makes him proud, He is waiting for you to set the bar high, He is longing on every small deed you do, any evidence that gives Him a chance to pat his own back and show other specie that we humans actually are the noblest of all creatures.

Stop trying to overcome your emotion, relax, sit with your pain, listen to it, let it hurt, live thought that anger and then there comes a point – when you hug your grief long enough it turns into ease. When you come to terms with pain; you beg it to leave, leave you in peace; and one day it so magnificently does.

Learn how to apply systematic practice and patience in everything. You have a good heart, it tortures you i know, but once you see how patience taste like, you will never step down from that morale.

Set the bar so high that they are not able to climb up and once you’re done, mark it a win; and never allow them the access to you ever again!

Take the upper hand, FORGIVE but never ever  FORGET.

 

Who are you when it goes south?
You don’t get what you want?

Do you still smile?

Think of me with an open mind, I am not a person, a human, a life, I am an experience, a Goddamn experience that would leave your mind utterly blown. I belong to my kingdom where solitude and silence are the order of the day, where you don’t get what you want because whatever you want is insane, far from normal. I belong to the questions that will never find answers. Existence is my exile, I come from a long line of people with something wrong with them,  I am not entirely proud of my fabric, and i am insanely crazy.

I dance with the skeletons in my closet, I have coffee with my demons, I have a name for my pillow, I ride recklessly through the souls, the forces of evil become confused when they reach me, I look things dead in the eye, I drift apart when they start acting like a winner, I do not respect my elders solely based on their age.

I don’t take advantage of your kindness, I am big on my principle, I own my mistake, I would crash my bones to help you pass the bridge, I don’t get furious when I am questioned,  I realize the power of my presence, but I don’t know what to do with my powers because I comfort the disturbed, and I disturb the comfortable. I am terribly aware of myself, I sense death every day yet it aches me that I am still alive.

I don’t belong anywhere, I never have, and I am old enough to know I never will. I don’t speak my truth because nobody can tune into my frequency. They see me but they cannot see me. On my good days i feel like a goddess of a garden, and on my worst days i am the queen of hell.

Consider yourself fortunate if you can’t comprehend this, just go get some sleep while you can. And to the ones who know about the fiery inferno within me, tell me what keeps you here? what is it that anchors you here for me? When I am waiting for the drowning to either stop or consume me completely. This would be the last move I make, before I checkmate myself out of the game!

You don’t find me by chance, you are guided to me when you are ready – Use my frequency wisely.

 

“The better the gambler the worst the man.”

Humans still have a tendency to think that good is always pretty and that evil is always ugly. I’ve found that it is so often the other way around.

You will see there are people who make conscious choices about their life, thinking they have a high standard, living their lies with so confidence that they have it all figured out, they’re winning because they deserve it, they sometimes call it their success which apparently is right because it has been served to them on a silver platter. Yet this doesn’t work for everybody in this world, some of us are trying so hard to make progress but we fail to do so, you know what? because we actually are making choices using our set of rules, our moral compass is different much precious then theirs, but we are not winning at life, we are stuck in a loophole of this universe, completely abandoned and in the dark. So, if you are the same first type of gambler, you are putting yourself up for the failure of a lifetime. Make a calculated decision, use your rationale, be creative with the problem solving, and do not compromise your ‘conscience‘.

If you are winning at life having a filthy rich background, and a powerful family support – don’t consider it your win, it’s just a giveaway from God. But i would allow you to consider yourself lucky, because still God didn’t bother giving me that edge. I will take it up with Him one day!

You don’t stand a chance to win before me, if it was a fair fight!

Don’t get into a real battle with me, because It’s No Dice for you loser!

I am trained for the WAR!

God giveth and the God taketh away…

But he doesn’t come on earth in front of you and take stuff away out of your bare hand. He plant evidence, he sets the stage, with surroundings, with sound effects, background, and real life creatures – called Human. You may know this specie. the question is ; Are you one?

The sword might be in my hand but it’s God who strikes. He has sent me to deliver the message, to hurt you, to put you through pain, to craft the whole scenario and to humiliate others, to challenge those neurotransmitter of your brain to think differently, to challenge the norms of this society, to identify the wrong patterns of my family and not to fall in love with a bad guy, to make the right decision, to help others, to be noble. He is the provider, he is giving you all the chances, the probability is in your hands, roll the dice, see what you got?

Be cautious of one thing: always calculate the futrue cost of your current decisions, always look deeply into which side are you picking? What God is using you for? Is it good or evil? because he has planted both into this tiny world, and we lose the game in one bad move! Whatever you do, you are setting up your own Karma. you shout out on someone, somebody will shout back at you, you slap a person, another person would slap you back one day. You bring pain to me, your love would bring pain to you. You hurt my feelings, the next person hurt yours; the universe will make sure of it. That’s how it works, No matter by what means, no matter how late the KARMA spins, It always Do. The universe is so Egotistic, It doesn’t keep the small splash of any good that you did, it throws the karma right back at you. Whatever you’re putting into the loop – you’re getting it back!

Check on yourself everyday. Are you on the right side? How is God using you for this society? Are you bringing people pain or ease? are you a human being or a wild animal on loose? because some of us are actually animals, we just don’t know it yet.

He is invested in you, are you invested in him?

Walls are coming down
My defence is on the ground

I am falling!
[Lyrics from]

What is the definition of love for you? How do you know that she is the one? let me pour my thoughts in.

The right person will make you feel. They make you powerless, weak, more attentive to the world, and relationships. They would devastate the idea of ‘normality’ for you. Nothing ever again feels the same when you have been in ‘Love’ once. You are not the same person anymore; No matter what your value set was, You; who tried their whole life to be in their own shell, being stronger than anybody else, not giving in to any feelings – you; the one who thinks I have it all figured out and i will live a life without falling for anyone – Specially you; Love will kill you, It would come, look for you, find your happy self, and ruin it.

Love would destroy you emotional balance, your strong judgement, your so called Aura. You would be seeing yourself falling into the trap but you cannot help it. You are drowning into this stupid massacred feelings. It’s never in your hand to fall out of love, you can try but it won’t work – no amount of workout can take your mind off of the person, no amount of book readings can keep you out of that loop, no amount of Netflix and throwing yourself into the wind can save you. When you have been in contact with the right person – you lose the battle, you become a pawn of the fate. And the feelings get scarier when two persons are equally in the frequency, two individuals falling for each other with the same intensity – it’s God damn rare but its true. You know what right person, wrong timing is actually a real thing. Two innocent souls cannot figure things out because their energies are so synced in, they are both at the same level of vulnerability, and emotional breakdown, they mess up; you understand the feeling, right?

This strange dark sense makes you feel things beyond your potential. It would bring out the rebel inside you, the rebel that you never thought you were. It would destroy your idea of being ‘you’ in your head. I dare you to stay attentive of the person that makes you feel, the person that you want to share your weakness with, you are not afraid to tell them how messed up you are, you do not play it safe when you are near them, you are not scared of sharing your in-depth emotions, you are not scared of their judgement. It doesn’t work with logic; You just do what you have never done before, you feel what you have never felt before. Stop running away – Give in – Surrender – It’s time to face the music.

I have a request for you, stop being so cruel with it, we are on a clock here, life is too short, you lose people in the blink of an eye. Do not shy away from your feelings, you have learned the lesson wrong, you are not getting the same person twice, life doesn’t always give you a second chance. So if you have any slightest possibility of getting back that one single person in the world who you cannot run away from – Go Get’ em! Ask them for forgiveness, figure things out, work on your relationship, act like an adult, lose your false Ego.

The idea of love is so un-empathetic, so unreal my friends, you don’t get to chose who you fall for and In order to really know a person you have to see the entire package; the good and the bad.

I have seen your package, and it’s excellent, Let’s get back together again and do it right this time?